I Will Never Not Dye

I think this finally needs to be addressed: http://www.facebook.com/#!/group.php?gid=24094450815

A Facebook group, two years old mind you, that brings to the attention of friends and followers of my obsession with Just for Men Dark Brown Beard Dye. At one point of its existence, it had almost 100 members – all addressing to me publicly their views on why I should let the natural color of my facial hair remain, and discontinue my use of Just for Men Facial Hair products. Though the group grew tiresome, and only 19 members still exist – I saw that I never truly gave any rebuttal on the matter, and kind of let those whom ridicule say their piece

But why now? Why two years after the ridicule, the embarrassment, the harassment – do I finally bring this to the attention of all of you whom read this? Why do I bring to you my story of matching my beard to the hair that lays on top my head? The answer is simple my friends, almost too simple. But, before I address this secret, the answer to this tale – I must first bring to you visual evidence of my facial hair coloring process, to prove of its long standing existence (circa early 2008).

Just look at this image. We shall call this Exhibit A. This was taken with the actual creator of the aforementioned group, coincidence? Hardly. Though my strongest intention of this persuasive literature is to completely change the mind of that smaller, more squirrely individual in the picture – I have this increasing want to bring about not only the absurd awesomeness of my beard dying, but the everlasting and iconic reign of existence it has had. Most assumed I would quit after the ridicule, after the jokes, after the initial laughter – nay. Nay indeed. The Beard only became darker, it only became bigger and it only became that more impactfull in everybody’s lives. Yes Sir.

Anyway, before most of the world gets a hard-on at that sheer description of my beard, it’s time for the proper critique.  Ok, Exhibit A. I do not, and will never have the incredible mahogany leather skin of Hulk Hogan. To be completely honest, it is highly likely that most Northern Ireland-ers, can tan far better than myself. I can’t change it, if I could use Dye to solve the solution, you know I would – but I can’t. Because of my inability to become partially Mexican, for at least the Summer – really worsens the realization that my beard naturally comes in – red. And not awesome, kind of brownish – burnt red (which is mysterious, but sexy) – but an incredibly disgusting red. Almost orange. It’s like if you mashed up baby carrots and radishes. That kind of red/orange.

I will not have that. You can barely see the outline of the beard, because the baby carrot red orange tint blends in perfectly with my Michael Jackson post 1995 skin pigment. Why accept the ability to grow hair on the face in such a distinctively sexy pattern, if it cannot even be enjoyed to the highest extent? Every memorable beard, has been dark brown or black – maybe a distinguished Grey. A change was necessary. Yes I know I have eyes comparable to John Stamos, that is awesome. And I know when I wear MLB hats backwards, people truly do wonder if I am a white David Ortiz – this I realize. But without a creative and distinctive way to outline my face with hair follicles – than none of that means anything to me. Absolutely nothing.

So, I bring you fine men and women Exhibit B.

Now that is a beard that is recognized. A beard that is distinguished. A beard that can not only be celebrated, but enjoyed by women, men, anything or anyone. I would have sex with that beard, and that is not a lie. Nobody said anything to that thing from The Hills Have Eyes or whatever, that Heidi chick. So Heidi knew she was pretty awesome, she had a movie (The Hills Have Eyes and The Hills Have Eyes 2), and blond hair. Awesome, right? But what makes a girl with a movie and blond hair even more awesome? Yes Sir. Bigger Tits. Nobody said anything to Heidi when she made her Tits bigger, it just made her more awesome. And what is wrong with trying to increase awesome? Yes. Dying Beard Hair is the equivalent to men with red facial hair as it is to Heidi and her bust increase.  It isn’t always socially accepted. It isn’t always socially appreciated. But it makes us feel good. It’s an addiction, really.

Can you blame us? We are sorry that we are addicts. We are sorry that this is a necessity to only increase our abilities to be that more distinctive and spectacular.  I can speak for Heidi when I say that I wish this addiction for everyone.
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Don’t be mad at her for being addicted to what makes her happy. Don’t be mad at me for being addicted to the swarms of voice-mails and Twitter messages, that literally beg me to do something incredible with my beard. “Jantz, the latest beard trim is fantastic, it could be a littler darker – but I’m sure you won’t let me down” -“Love the new dye job! It really brings out your skin tone. You look more tan!”. These are true testimonials, from true beard admirers. Why don’t you put THAT on your silly little facebook group.

Ok, so if that girl from The Hills Have Eyes and her addiction to bigger boobs doesn’t legitimize the aura and absolute incredible strength of my dyed beard – then what would? Though she makes the decision harder, (haha), there is something far more significant – something that truly validates the amazingness of my beard dying addiction. Something that makes me an icon in the eyes of those in charge of “Just for Men Beard Dye” and those in the “Beard Club of America”. And that is something very recent, very new. But it is also something very incredible. Something that is idolized. Something that is legitimized.

Recognize this man? You should. Instantly. 2010 World Series Champion, and future winner of American Beard of the Year 2010, San Fransisco Giants Closing Pitcher, Brian Wilson. A simple you-tube search of his name (click the word name jackknobs), will show you arguably the funniest and most entertaining man in Professional Sports, ever. So why do I bring this up to you, in the midst of this extensive outcry to how important my beard is to not only those who are close to me, but to America? It’s simple. Brian Wilson grew his beard 4 months ago. Brian Wilson dyes his beard.

I started a trend that has made itself to the World Series, do you realize how awesome that is? My beard, through Brian Wilson, has made it to icon status – helping me once again realize the reason I am here on this Earth. It is my job, my duty, my passion to spread the ability for a man (or woman) to do whatever they please to their facial hair, to ensure that it becomes the best it possibly can become. To strengthen the knowledge and the admiration of the nation’s youth, and help them pursue their most perfect, wonderful beard fantasies.  Considering I am probably the only person (besides Brian Wilson) that dies his beard, and considering I have been strongly addicted to it since 2008 – it is only realistic that I have started what will probably the newest fad in 2011.

This seems to happen a lot – it seems that after I coined the term “Boom”, Nike found it fitting to put it in commercials. Yeah, real hilarious Nike. Fucking thief.

Quick Jantz, name ten of the greatest beards ever, in no specific order. Easy. Brian Wilson, Mine, Jesus, Billy Mays, The Most Interesting Man In The World, Aristotle, Zack Galifinakus, Turtle from Entourage, Castro. Almost too easy. But guess what – of all those mentioned beards – though they are different strokes, styles, shapes, sizes, and feels – they have one ultimate thing in common. None of them are red. And one of them, will ever be. BOOM!!

http://www.facebook.com/#!/group.php?gid=24094450815