Porn can be absolutely off of the wall sometimes. Now don’t get me wrong – I’m not trying to start an association against the boob-business, I’m just offering my opinion – strictly based on years of research. That is all. So as I was probing, for a thesis of course, I came across some “educated findings” that for a moment – made the left side of my conscience ask – “Why is this happening?” For that moment – I put aside my studies and continued to play Family Feud on Facebook – yeah, I usually am awesome, so don’t ask to “finish my high score” – finish yourself off.
Anyways, while I answered questions like – “Name the top five relaxation ideas for men” (by the way, “banging” counts as Sex – Family Feud, you didn’t need to give me an “X” for that one) – it occurred to me, that no matter what happens, what I do or watch, my lack of research will continue to weigh heavy on me.
I tried watching Family Matters, but of course it was the seasons where Lisa actually looked like a woman (why she cut her hair like Ellen, I have no idea). I went outside and had thrown wet pieces of bread on cars parked behind my backyard, but, using bread your roommate purchased isn’t the best for household morale. I then tried writing a blog that would bring mass support to my triumphant return to the Blogging-Industry (oh yes, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? Hello.) When I couldn’t form complete sentences without using words that would offend Lindsey Lohan, I knew it was time for the absolute last resort. I went to the Western Illinois University’s Recreation Center.
I figured it would be a brilliant idea – I was in a competition with a dear friend, and while he is biking – I was eating grilled chicken and walking stairs instead of taking elevators (it’s a start Slumdog). I grabbed at my blackberry, a pair of headphones that I stole from my sister and drove away from my lovely home. At this time I knew it would have benefited me more to “walk” there – as I said before, shut your mouth. I’m already going to be exercising; you don’t want me to have an asthma attack do you? So there I was – me, my blackberry, headphones I had stolen from my sister, my roommate’s car keys and an Elliptical. Yeah. This was happening.
It was then, as I poured sweat from my forehead and felt a shaking pain in my ankles, that I felt – a sense of enlightenment, a sense of comfort. I then looked down to see how long I had been on this hell machine, as I stared at clock that read 2 minutes and 36 seconds, that low feeling of wonderment struck again. But as if it were an angel had kissed and nibbled on my ear, she spoke the words that brought me back to the highest of all spirits.
“Sun-kissed skin, so hot, we’ll melt your Popsicle”
Now I realize that this entire time you thought I was honestly writing my first blog in over 6 months about masturbating. Grow up people. I just know that there are thousands, if not millions of men out there that are constantly wanting to get their girlfriend/wife/friend that they have sex with, to loosen up and learn some new bedroom talents via the ol’ PornTube. When I had that feeling of sickness towards one of the scenes I had previously done research on – I felt an empty feeling of hopelessness for the millions of men out there that still had faith. It kept replaying in my head - “why did she look like she was crying, why was there a raccoon in the background, did she really need to punch him in the stomach” - it just didn’t seem plausible that I could find a way to appease the hopes and aspirations of these people. Until she sang to me. It was clear, it was simple.
Whatever you are doing, whatever you are watching, whatever you are looking at or focusing on – when listening to Katy Perry’s “California Gurls” – life is like a music video. This isn’t a joke. This is what the porn-industry is missing out on. Keep the original scenes, of course – but edit them with this song playing in the background – and it it could be aired on FX, I promise. No matter what is going on there is something subliminal in this song that makes men and women just picture flying fish and poodles dancing. It traps you. You think that you won’t be paying attention to what’s going on while the song is playing – but you are. You are so embarked in the journey that is quirky yet sexy lyrics and the boom-bastic background beat, that it captivates and enhances everything. It’s like legal Marijuana – in the form of a huge breasted woman singing a Beach Boys cover.
What you are looking at right now is my Top-Most Played Song of….8/26/2010, and deserving so. Listening to this song puts me in a situation I can only find myself in every perfect dream. You know the one. The one where you are wearing a blue and lime green jumpsuit, a pair of white sunglasses and Rebook sneakers. The one where you are on a trampoline with fourteen midgets (little people, to be politically correct) and are throwing water balloons at people dressed in panda outfits. And obviously, this song puts anything and everything in High Definition. You will see colors you have never imagined. PuRed. Yeah, you see a combination of Purple and Red – it’s fucking gorgeous.
Now if you honestly think that my point of this article was to let you know how adorable and gorgeous Katy Perry is, and how her song “California Gurls” gives couples around the world the ability to enjoy a little naked T.V. action, than you need to be ashamed of yourself. At this time I want you to start playing California Gurls, and re-read everything. Find yourself laughing more, smiling more – enjoying life more. At first I just thought this song made me hornier than a 13 year old at a pool-party. Nope. That is why I have returned with one of Jantz’s famous – TOP FIVE list. Yes my friends, it’s happening.
TOP 5 THINGS TO DO WHILE LISTENING TO KATY PERRY’S “CALIFORNIA GURLS”
#5. Watch Sportscenter
In an era where we are everyday force-fed LeBron James and Bret Favre 
there needs to be something that saves us from the beautiful foundation Chris Berman laid for us years ago. Sportscenter has brought this new notion to ESPN – and they are following the “sex-sells” routine. Well, I don’t find myself wanting to bang Sage Steele, Sportscenter. Sometimes, it’s been almost unbearable to watch my one time favorite show. But as ESPN was talking yesterday about the Top 750 LeBron James handshakes, I found myself not wanting to punch him in his over sized nose. Even though, for the past two months, I have visioned myself framing LeBron James for arson – or even spreading rumors that he Ben Roethlisburgered me at a Kansas City night club – on this day, I had no hard feelings for the Prince of Pussies.
I couldn’t believe it. What happened to me? I had hopes of naming my kids, Way Cooler and Better Than LeBron James Spalding. But I was fine. Why, you ask? I still had my blackberry, sister’s headphones I had stolen, my roomates keys – and of course, a huge chested woman singing beautiful choruses over the smooth and sweet rhythm of hip-hop legend Snoopie Doggie Dogg.
Sage Steele looked prettier, Scot Van Pelt had more hair, LeBron James was riding a Dolphin. Brett Favre was doing a kegstand in the background. The Blue Man Group was performing the theme song. It was then I knew the true power of this tune.
#4 – Drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon
At one time, my most hated brew. Well this changed faster than Britney Spear’s virginity after the “Hit Me” video. As I drank this fine concoction of hops, barley and magic – I once again found myself grooving to the soulful squeals coming from the woman with breasts of a champion, and the smile of a princess. Every sip was like a dream. Though I was alone in my room, staring at my poster of Donald Trump, I knew I was safe. I wanted to call everyone I knew to invite them to the party – but why would I waste such a delicious can of California on others. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I shouldn’t. This moment was perfect.
#3 – Watching “Nacho Libre”
This movie was so bad. It was the perfect blend of usually bad Jack Black acting, and regular American stereotypes of Mexicans. Listen Hollywood, my roommate is of the Mexican heritage – and the stereotypes you put in the media are not at all relevant. My roommate loves three things. Busch Light, Bad Music and saying words like “Salsa, Modelo and Guacamole” in a really, really cool way. So get it right.
Anyways, I was on listen #76 for the day and was flipping through the television to see that TNT was playing Nacho Libre. Go figure, it’s a dying station. And when I usually would be disgusted by Jack Black’s play-dough like figure stuffed in spandex running around in a bed sheet – I found myself smiling. Somehow, someway, the Woman of Wigs, The Breasted Beauty – Katy, my lady – had made the worse movie of all time a bearable music video. I chuckled as Jack Black ran around fields of High Definition green pasture with small Mexican children actors. I laughed as he kicked corn from people’s hands and performed the worse acting in modern American cinema. I watched five whole minutes of the movie – honestly. It was one of the best fucking five minutes I had ever had. I only stopped because I had to repeat the song and go on to listen #77.
At this time, I still want to say that I think Jack Black is an atrocious actor.
#2 – Listening to Nickleback
I can’t stand Nickleback. I honestly think they are the worse thing for music since Adolph Hitler. I’d rather listen to Kathy Bates pleasure herself for a day than have to sit through a Nickleback song. If I was ever surrounded by Nickleback fans, I would honestly eat my way through the crowd. Those people aren’t real and they do not exist. But I was in a good mood. I was about 12 PBR’s deep, I had already pissed on my LeBron James poster and was on listen #123. So as I continued to blare her Viscous Vocals over my stolen sister’s headphones – I put on a Nickleback song. We have On Demand, so it was easy to access. I watched the video, and I didn’t want to vomit. I watched the entire video and I didn’t envision myself throwing anthrax onto their stage. It was weird. I was actually captivated by them. Listening to Katy Perry’s “California Gurls”, while listening to Nickleback was perfect. They sounded the exact same as the song that had captured my life and my heart.
#1 – Masturbating.
You honestly read this, and didn’t think that after talking about porn for 3 paragraphs and listening to Katy Perry for an entire day that this wouldn’t be an option. Hah. Fooled you.
