Building Mansions With Writer’s Blocks

I could bore everybody with a day-to-day calendar of what I’ve done since my last post (27 days ago) – but ultimately I would just be pissed at myself for the incredible amount of time/money/life I have wasted since then. I figured I’d come up with some story about how I gave my time helping the community of Macomb, IL to get over the Tiger Woods fiasco (believe me, there are several thousand white girls on this campus wanting to use Tigers’ shaft – haha, golf joke.) Believe me, I’ve tried writing a blog in that period of time – but with my mind elsewhere, nothing really struck. I had one ready for posting last week – “Smell-Like-Ass Wednesday”. I’m not one to bash Catholicism, well – in front of you – but why put your Holliday right after New Orleans’ – doesn’t that seem rather selfish? I really cannot wait to read the emails from the “devoted Catholics” that can’t catch sarcasm.

So with that in mind, we can now take a look at Exhibit A – the picture above. I never really got the whole “writer’s block” thing. I just figured that my life was to full of excitement to consistently guide you Spalda-Holics with my words of wisdom. But then it hit me, yesterday afternoon while I was drawing pictures of Tom Hanks on Microsoft Paint – that my life in Macomb, IL was as useful right now as make-up on Snooki. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not me – it’s this town. We have a Wal-Mart. Spec-fucking-tacular. I can get a haircut, a box of Cap’N Crunch – and a new Route 34 Sweater for all under $40.00. Kiss my ass, Macomb. So after I got off of my excruciating 3 hour shift at my 9 hour a week job – I decided, no I’m not going to put off homework and color in the picture of Denzel Washington I drew on Microsoft Paint today – I’m going to put off homework and get rid of this fucking writers block.

By the way – sometimes I color Denzel Washington Caucassian or Mexican-Brown just to see if he appears to be the same untouchable bad-ass self that he is in real life. I’d suggest not doing it.

So after turning off “Cats” – I decided to just write words that came to my mind, in complete silence. I figured this would ultimately stem sort of genius idea that would create the world’s next biggest blog (or at least get me 1,000 pity views). So if you look back at Exhibit A (do it later, keep reading clown) – here are some examples of phrases you might see:

• Would I have sex with Chyna?
• Big Eyed-People scare me
• End of the World > Gwen Stefani
• Shirts that don’t fit anymore

I agree. Those are some fantastic ideas – but, none were helping out my writers block. But you will notice the one thing that did. My Bucket List. I was floored. I couldn’t believe that I have yet to write a Bucket List, let alone not even THINK about writing a Bucket List.  Let me tell you something friends, it was time. It wasn’t even that hard (see: Whiskey-Dick). So many ideas came to me, instantly – but then a crucial, CRUCIAL – fact hit me. The world is going to blow up and cease to exist in 2012, duh. I mean come on, the Mayans told us. Idiots. But this worked to my advantage. I don’t have much money. That’s fine. I don’t have much time. That’s fine. Your life can only be critiqued on how often you accomplished your goals. So if I set goals, and reached them – I’d get what, an A….A minus? I’ll take it.

So I did it. Exhibit B below, will show you the Top 5 items on my Bucket List that I WILL accomplish before I disintegrate in 2012.

(Disclaimer): Don’t get all offended about this end of the world stuff. If I really thought it was going to happen, I wouldn’t make fun of it (this is a lie). So before you get all irritated in your crotch area, and start bitching to me on facebook message – realize that you are in turn screwing up my dreams. Don’t screw up my dreams, douchers.

  #5 – Have a roast/intervention

I’m assuming it’s the same for your group of best friends – but all we do when we are together is point out obvious flaws about each other while bringing up horrifying memories from the past. It’s love. But I want that Bob Sagget treatment on a whole ‘nother level. I want suits, and drinks in rocks glasses. I want some random asian guy to make jokes that NOBODY thinks are funny. I don’t care if it’s about me – if it’s about Chris Farley’s mini-me Cory Cox (quoted: Ricardo Marin, 2010) – or if it’s about some stray-strangers roaming the streets of Peru, IL. As long as well-dressed, drunk and mean people are involved – it could be nothing but succesfull.

In the same realm, I think it would be absolutely spectacular to host an intervention for someone – for something absolutely absurd. Chronic masturbation would be the obvious choice for a man-made episode of Intervention. But, I compiled a list of several things that would be a sure hit for an Intervention.

• Making out in public places
• Watching Jersey Shore
• Listening to Buckcherry/Nickleback/Gwen Stefani
• Anything involving Twilight

If you fall into the above mentioned categories – please contact me at: JM-Spalding@wiu.edu, or call your local confidential hotline. You need help, now.

#4 – Do A Pull-Up

Yea, bring on the fat jokes – I dare you. The thing is, even when I wasn’t carrying this keg that I didn’t have from K-12 – I could never do a freaking pull-up, ever. I think I’m just waiting for the right time, and the right place. Bon-Jovi behind me singing that one song, “Woaaaaaaa you’re half way thereeeee, woahhhhhhhh oahhhhhh something something prayeeeeeer” – some people cheering, some women crying and children clapping and dancing. Yeah. It’s only a matter of time.

#3 – Go to “Twilight 3″ Dressed as a Vampire and Hit On Women: Ultimately Proving That Vampires Aren’t Sexy, They’re Scary

What else can I say, other then vent my absolute confusion over this vampire craze in America? The funny thing is I guarentee I will get far stronger hate-mail from the “Twi-Hards”, then I do from the Catholics I offended earlier. Look at me over there. I look like Snooki. How does anybody find that attractive? Vampires kill people because they enjoy blood. They don’t have feelings, and they don’t fall in love with semi-attractive B-list actresses, that is a fact.

To make a long story short America – if you were one on one with a Vampire, and he looked at you with his stupid vampire eyes, and he had stupid human blood coming out of his stupid vampire mouth – you would not get all excited in the pants like you do when you watch Twilight. You would be scared out of your mind. It’s like going one on one with a Lion. Would you put up a poster of a Lion doing sexual positions on your Dorm-Room wall? No, you wouldn’t. Why? Because Lions eat the shit out of human flesh, and so do Vampires.

#2 – Go To Oprah’s Last Show and LOL at Everything She Says

What could I say about this? How could this not turn out amazing? This would just be spectacular. Really, there is no substance to this – no political outcry. I just want to do this. Really.

#1 – Survive A Mayan Predicted Disaster

I have to complete the Bucket List, don’t I? The World will still need a great blogger.