Preparing for Stardom: The Life of A Professional Blogger

So, after I signed my contract (by contract, I mean thank you e-mail) with http://www.g1nbc.com/college , today – I realized that life was going to be completely different for me. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been used to fist-pounding every guy in the bar that I knew from high school, letting girls that thought my beard was sexy sit down next to me, and also the ever-so-common signing autographs – well, it usually is debit-card receipts at Buffalo Wild Wings but to each his own really. Now, it’s a whole new world out there.

I’ve received quite a welcoming response from most since the birth of this lovely site, and it’s been a very humbling experience – but I am obviously ready for the fame, the riches and the celebrity status-quo that comes from being a blogger. Now don’t worry, it’s not like I am quitting school because of my new-found love for blogging and the large lump sums of cash and groups of women that have suddenly come my way. I’m quitting school because I hate going to class hung-over.

Waiting for the call from my parents after that last paragraph. Ok.

I’m ready for it. I’m ready for the autograph signings, I’m ready for the pictures to be taken with random people because, “they loved my article on how to fist”. Hell, I was at the gas-station yesterday and the attendant randomly bought me a 40 oz. King Cobra because she thought my blog was “quirky”. I declined for two reasons.

(1.) I’m a professional blogger now; I don’t drink that garbage unless it’s a Holliday.
(2.) She said the word quirky. I don’t like the word quirky.

It was then I received the text message from the local club around Macomb that said, “Free-Cover” before 11:30 – I knew that I was in. I knew that people knew me. I mean come on, who gets text from the bar saying they’ll pay your cover. I’m just mad the douche-artist didn’t know who I was when I asked him if he wanted a picture. Read my blog yuppie.

It was then, as I sat there with my entourage, drinking from a glass (don’t ever try to give me a plastic cup again, hoe) – I knew that I had to prepare for the big city life. So what better way to prepare then to share my new found secrets with everyone that has helped shape me as the world-class wordsmith and story-teller that I am today? I don’t care about those “shows’ you see on your televisions, they are wrong. I’m going to show you how to prepare to be a celebrity.

THREE EASY TO REMEMBER WAYS TO PREPARE FOR STARDOM

Now I know what you’re thinking. Jantz, when I start blogging and become known by the world like you, am I going to start having sex with cocaine addicts and mom’s like they do in Niptuck? No. Sex like that doesn’t exist in the real-world. It’s not possible, the movements are to fluent and imposible to pull off – or out. Just because your a celebrity doesn’t mean you leave your friends for richer friends or begin to have sex with blondes that don’t know how to properly use were, we’re or where in a sentence. If your looking for better sex tips, don’t ask me – and quit reading.

#3 -Smile

What’s better? Robert Downey Jr. or Robert Downey Jr. when he was a crackhead. Trick question. Both. People love celebrities because they look better than them even when they have a needle stuck in their arm, Show your confidence. Know that you are better than that person and laugh with them, not at them – well, you can in some scenarios. Constant smiling and laughing in good times and times of agony will bump your celebrity status instantly. If people know, people will remember. Let’s just check out example 1 below:

It’s a mugshot, yes – but he still looks like he should play in Iron-Man. That’s the difference between people like Robert Downey Jr. and people like Gary Busey. He knows he rocks. Now obviously I’m not suggesting that you go out and “trip balls” on some mushroom your buddy Gary got from his friend down at SIU – if you’re going to, and you’re a celebrity….smile.  It paid off for druglord over there.

#2 – Go Places You Usually Don’t Go To While Wearing A Full Suit (Or Dress)

I don’t know this guy, but I remember this guy. The guy is on a bike, and he is dressed up. Why? Because he doesn’t care about the normal people around him. I’m suprised the guy can stay on his bike, the person taking the picture was able to get a rare shot of the guy not surrounded by flocks of huge-breasted men and women. This guy makes that bike look cool – why? Because he’s a celebrity, and he knows it.

There are so many places you can go where normal people look like fools when you walk into the door dressed in your finest suit from Sears or Kohls. KMart, WalMart, the dog shelter, a random hot dog stand, Applebees, a Will Ferrel movie, Ottawa’s Riverfest, the state of Rhode Island – all of those are very acceptable choices. The point is, to continue your celebrity-status, always dress up. Always.

#1 – Make Up Hillarious Catch Phrases or Insulting Names With Funny Adjectives – In Front Of Large Groups Of People.

This is when people finally realize that you have officially, “made it”. You are wearing your suit that you just bought on your Kohl’s Credit Card (save that 20% when you can, morons) – you are drinking some draft beer out of a rocks glass, and you are smiling at all of the annoying white haired broads trying to sleep with you (even though you have a girlfriend and want nothing to do with them because they smell like bad sex). That’s when it hits you. You want to punt that gingered-hair crotchless clown on the dance floor. So what do you do? Like any true celebrity you turn to the one person in your group that you like the most, and you look at only him – yet saying as loudly as you possibly can so everybody can here, “You see that slumdog jackass over there? His birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory.”

Everybody laughs. People buy you drinks, random people are jumping around screaming – “Dude you are insane”. And all you can do is smile. That guy did nothing, but you thought of a hillarious catch phrase and insult in your head, so you had to tell somebody. Then your not so well-dressed friend that came with you says, “Bet you he likes Harry Potter. What a Dumble-Dork”. Yeah. He’s not a celebrity. It’s not funny.

I guess we all can’t be professional bloggers.

(yes we can)

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