Wow did I fall yesterday. Falling doesn’t even do what happened to me justice. I was already 15 minutes late for my 10:00 class, my first class of the semester – and my roommate DID warn me of the “ice” outside – but whatever, it’s just ice. So I get downstairs – and even though I’m later than one of Rick Pitino’s girlfriends – I decide to stop for a bottle of Gatorade (cheap product placement). Alright, so it’s 10:20 on syllabus day, no big deal. I walk out of the door and see the bus a good block away – I’m on cloud nine at this point – no walking in the snow for this guy. So, without hesitation I walk down the first st ——- See ya.
Bye.
Later.
I bit the absolute shit out of that fall. I felt it instantly – my hands flailing through the air – bouncing off each step as if my 265 lbs. had the consistency of rubber. I’m still searching on YouTube, because that fall was beyond epic. And the laughter – the laughter still haunts me. Laughter from the front, laughter from the back – it was like one of those bad dreams – where everybody was pointing at me, telling me things I don’t want to hear.
“You look like Kevin James, ahahahaha” – “Denim Dan really wasn’t that good” – “Joe had sex with Karigan”.
Alright. It was worse than that. Kevin James is amazing, that’s a compliment, really.
The only thing worse than the laughter was the amount of time it took me to fall. People aren’t bullshiting you when they tell you that large falls like this happen in slow-motion. They really, really do. And I’ve heard stories about people having full conversations with themselves – thinking about their lives, thinking how this could affect them – thinking about how they are going to pay for the hospital bills. Yea, I had epiphanies – but nothing like your usual “Oh, Lord, what is to become of me” crap. During the 15 second fall, which honestly felt as if it were 5 minutes – I for some reason didn’t think of being late for my first class of the year, I didn’t think of the penis-shaped bruise that I would eventually have – I didn’t even think of the horrifying laughter that was taking place from some girl who was obviously dressed for an Avril Lavigne concert (I’ll find you). So, I thought I’d take some time with you people to tell you exactly what went through my head during those intense, and crucial periods of…….the fall.
“I don’t know why people hate on Kanye so much, that Taylor Swift thing was genius”.
You may call me out on this one – but I actually think about this on a daily basis. I mean, can you blame me? People still talk about that, and well – I for one find that to be a very important mark in modern American history. I guess the only reason this went through my head was the fact that I was subconsciously telling myself, “Now I know this fall is good, and I’ma let myself finish – but that big black chick on YouTube had one of the greatest falls of all time.”
She really did too.
“I don’t know – I think that $.89 five-layer burritos at Taco Bell is kinda overrated”
People hype this so much. Even at this point, I wouldn’t take a free one from the doucher walking up the stairs laughing at me. Yeah jackknob, I saw your letters – Gamma Alpha Psi (Hah, that’s funny if you look it up.) But back to the point at hand – I just think there was far too much nacho cheese going on, and not enough of the four other layers. I mean come on, this is America – we like our AmeriMexican food in layers – you’re better than that Taco Bell.
“Man, I’m probably the oldest guy living in the dorms – ever.”
At this point – I completely understood the laughter. I laugh when old people fall, I laugh really hard when old people fall. To these people – I might as well be a teacher living with the students (see: Pete Carroll). Now it all makes sense why people were so fucking nice to me on Fathers’ Weekend. Alright, so I’m old, creepy – and have a red beard. It wasn’t the fall they were laughing at after all. See, this is why I write these blogs. I feel a thousand times better now. Nice.
So just be safe out there. It’s icy-er than hell. Yeah, that doesn’t make too much sense. So now – I leave you with this simple moment of remembrance. Enjoy!
